I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
