All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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