Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
