I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
