I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
i now understand why vodka
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
