Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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