i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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