Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I AM VODKA MAN
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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