Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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