I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
