420 ftw
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
