Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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