I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
