I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
