I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
that is very illegal...i love you.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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