When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
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so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
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And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
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