Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
