Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Randomize
