If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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