A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
