if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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