Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
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You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
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So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.