Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
