The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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