she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
