I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Randomize
