I'm going to jail i love you
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
