I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
