its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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