I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
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