if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
