Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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