Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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