we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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