Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
The dick lei will go down in squad history
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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