I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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