He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
