He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
