Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
