I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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