mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
