I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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