I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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