dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
