I'm pants shitting drunk right now
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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