There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
