omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
