she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
