sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Randomize
