he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
jump out the window naked night went bad
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