Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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