Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
