home. puking in laundry basket.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
