I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
