Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
