just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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