I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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