When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
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