How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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