I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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