just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
