turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
